Unworthiness & Sexuality

Egon Shiele, Nude with Purple Stockings, 1910

Unworthiness & Sexuality

There may always exist inside of me a feeling of unworthiness, of not being enough. When one’s emotional constitution contains this belief, the world can look like a cruel place at times. You are not part of the perfect home, or invited to the party, or a member of the club. You are on the outside, and the reason is because you aren’t good enough, you are different. If this is your orientation, you may be moving through the world from a place of not enoughness—not working enough, not learning enough, not earning enough, not having enough friends, not having enough experiences. You create out of fear, to try and fill that void to feel enough. You may align yourself with abusive partners. Lately, I’ve been exploring how that feeling of not enoughness relates to my own sexuality.

As we know, the unworthiness program serves the patriarchy in spades. Dr. Shakti Malan, an anthropologist and conscious sexuality facilitator, calls the negative feminine shadow archetype of the patriarchy the Women’s Union. The Women’s Union is connected to the Virgin/Whore paradigm and is essentially how the feminine unconsciously colludes with the patriarchy via judgment, competition, and shame. It conspires to control the sexual flow of others on behalf of society’s norms and values so only (cis & white) men have the power. The Women’s Union operates like the club you weren’t invited to join. And because it is the shadowiest side of the patriarchy it’s everything-phobic. This is why, generally, when a woman/womyn dares to celebrate her sexuality too much outside the frameworks of the patriarchy (Virgin/Whore), she is punished. (As a cis-gendered woman, I am curious how non-gender conforming folks feel about the Virgin/Whore paradigm and welcome comments.) 

Some lies of the Women’s Union: we are unworthy, we are not enough, we have no power and we shouldn’t feel good about our sexuality because sex = shame. The truth is that we are all worthy, every single one of us. Sadly, sometimes I jump to judge a sister instead of celebrate her. Then I realize the part of me that it is in judgment is the part who feels unworthy. 

When we stop perpetrating our own inner unworthiness, it can no longer be projected into the collective. If I am enough, then everyone is. And I believe this wholeheartedly: everyone is doing the best they can at all times. Not participating the Women’s Union means holding ourselves accountable for where we are perpetuating oppressive systems, and also holding ourselves and the collective in compassion and enoughness. With the breakdown of the binary system, we all have more space available to celebrate ourselves. I am enough. You are enough. We are enough. There is infinite space for us all to be awesome.